That strong, brave warrior mum in me didn’t cope this last week, admitting that you’re struggling and asking yourself, is this ok?
It was Isabella’s first full week back at school after stem cell treatment. Before she left I was feeling huge amounts of ANTICIPATION and planning, having her gone was TENSE like I was holding my breath, having her back was a huge RELIEF just spending a beautiful week recovering with her, but this last week with Isabella back at school, this has been more about ME catching up with ME in all of this. When you have a child with high needs you come to realize the ‘relentless treadmill doesn’t stop’ and how I wish it would for just one day, one week but it doesn’t, that warrior mum and burning fire inside me never stops and sometimes it wears me down to breaking point!
Yes I know friends I take on a lot, the movie, a book, the media, giving away bikes, speaking, advocating, sharing. MOSTLY I work on creating an enormous world for my daughter, so she is winning, and she is progressing getting better not worse, this is my goal every single day and it never stops.
I struggled so much for the first 4 years with Isabella’s diagnosis I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom. NOW I am passionate about changing that pathway for other special needs parents to not have to go through what we went through of being lost and feeling like there is no hope, but this last week those tasks got too big, to overwhelming, like my mind just froze in fear and overwhelm and the struggle got on top of me.
I realized I can only hold it together sometimes for so long, having a meltdown the whole week I must realize it’s not the END of the world, as trust me I got to that point, that I thought I just can’t do this, but I realize in the storm and the tears and the breakdown, this is the journey of healing, processing, coming to terms with the next huge hurdles that lay ahead, feeling the overwhelm, the pain off all of this built up tension needs to be let out, we are only built to take on so much, right?
For being so public a lot of the time, it might come as a surprise that I just want to hide in a hole away from it all, because if I cannot deal with my situation, I have no answers, how can I even talk about it, that’s how i felt and what I did for the first 4 years and I slipped back into that feeling again, thankfully its only a week this time and I am starting to understanding the struggle a lot better.
I am embracing, I have, having, and will have BREAKDOWNS! Where my world melts and stops for a while and the tears flow of not coping and not understanding a way forward, but deep in that struggle I realize I am processing, learning, growing, to come back bigger and better and able to take on more!
As last week ended and as I peek out of the shadows, I open my front door and I see my yard renovation and I have so much to be grateful for, I see how my mother stepped in, my best friend and my neighbor gave me time in there busy schedules to cry it out, my church was my turning point, thought the struggle I know God has a better plan for me, my baby angle is here to teach me so much!